Hey, Mana
by Yullenrin
Summary: Snapshots: Allen always finds himself back where he once was: In front of Mana's grave. And he speaks to him, as if he were still alive. "Hey, Mana. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the cold." And then Kanda came along and made everything warm again.


**Right. Confession time: This was originally my idea for an anti-drug essay I was going to participate in. But then I realized the judges wouldn't really take kindly to a vague plot like this with hints of homosexual relationships and domestic violence. Not to say that I mind the homosexual part. Shounen-ai is the best. Regardless, I decided to post this up, and see how it fares.**

**Disclaimer: Right, and I thought I had you all fooled for a moment.**

**Warning: Unusual writing style (or mostly, anyway), slight cursing when in Kanda's POV, dialougue overload, and _yes_, the ANGST.**

**Enjoy.**

"Hey, Mana. It's me."

A sigh, and four swallows later," It's been a long while, hasn't it? It only seems like a few hours before that you gave me your last piece of advice; you were the one I always went to, you know that? I always ran to you when I was troubled- I'd ask you to give me advice, and you'd always do it so well. And you always had this look about you. Mana, you would have a lot to say about what I'm doing now.

"But I can't stop, Mana. Even though I know you would be disappointed in me, after all we've been through-" He chokes on his tears as a soft sob is ripped from between clenched teeth; cold, pale fingers fist themselves tighter around the grilles of the metal gate. He laughs, hysterically, before it too, cuts off suddenly. "Yeah... we've been through a lot, haven't we, Mana?" His voice sounds tender, and nostaligic, though his speech was just the slightest bit stilted as if he couldn't quite form the words he wanted to say without extra thought.

"But... But, Mana... You're gone now. You're gone now and I don't know what to do. I need help. I'm confused. I'm _lost_, Mana." Pearly-white teeth gnaw at a pasty lower lip in an attempt to stifle the sobs that are breaking through, bit by little bit.

"Mana, Mana, Mana... Oh _god_. Tell me what to do."

**XXX**

"Good morning, Mana.

"I can't stay and talk for long... I've got a part-time job, later on." A laugh that holds just the slightest hint of hope and genuine sincerity. "It's unbelievable, isn't it? That a... a _freak _like me would be able to get a part-time job... It's a really nice place, Mana. It's called 'The Black Order' and I bet you would've liked it. It smells a lot like home: cinnamon, hot chocolate, black coffee, cooling cookies and the Sun. The... the people there are really nice too. Like Lenalee, for instance. She's sweet and kind, and she doesn't care one bit about how odd I look.

"Her brother, Komui, my boss, is a tad weird though. I nearly missed getting slaughtered when he found out I was friends with Lenalee. He's really protective of her; you see, their parents died when they were young. Sort of like how it was for me, wasn't it? Lenalee has Komui, and I had you."

A pause, though this time, no tears are shed.

"Wouldn't it be nice if I had someone too, right now?"

**XXX**

"Ahhh..! Mana... it's been a pretty tiring day. The cafe was packed with customers, and everything was going by so fast... I still remember trying to juggle three trays of coffee. I would've been able to accomplish it too. After all, we've not been street performers once, for nothing. But then, Lenalee stopped me and helped me with one tray..." He laughs like it's the funniest thing on Earth.

"That motherhen..." His voice is tender as he says it. "I wonder... if that's how it's supposed to be like...? To have a family? I can't tell anymore, Mana." The laughter dies away completely, and his eyes tighten just a little before he became slightly flustered.

"A-Anyway, today! Today, I met this customer. He was...weird." A shrug of the shoulders. "He had this guy with him who had read hair and a green eye and an eyepatch who kept talking and talking... though he himself never said anything. He just sat there for hours with a cup of black coffee... And he had this scowl on his face-"

Suddenly, out of nowhere," Oi, BakaMoyashi, who the heck are you talking to?" And he knows who it is, because he could just _feel it_ deep in his bones; and so he turns slowly to stare at the half-japanese man before him. He sees the familiar scowl, that long, silky raven hair and those burning, flaming dark cobalt eyes that were filled with shadows- not to say that his own weren't as well.

_Talk about the devil and the devil shall appear..._

"Hey, I was uh, just talking to myself." He shrugs before turning back to look past the gates and at the solemn tombstones that lined the overgrown field before him. It was an understatement to say the place wasn't well-kept. Weeds covered the once pristine cobblestone steps and the grass was long and over-grown. But this was where Mana was. And whereever Mana was, was extremely precious to him- no matter where.

There was a derisive snort before the other man muttered under his breath," Idiot."

He flares and his eyes burn whenever his blinks because _god, _he could feel the tears welling up. He's been holding them back for too long and it's all spilling over the edges and he can't _take it anymore- _"Oi!" The cry is laughably flustered and he thinks that the other man must look hilarious (he imagines a panicked expression), though he can't see through the tears that came thick and fast. "Are you crying because of what I said?"

"N-No. That's not it," he says this, with his voice oddly calm. "That's not it at all."

"So What is it, then?"

Tone bitter, he says," It's because I'm weak. I can't do anything, if you can't see for yourself."

"Che." He gets irritated at the tone the man uses. "What a spineless brat. If you're weak, then get stronger."

"Stronger...?"

"...Che."

"What do you mean?"

"To give you fucking clue, you useless brat, getting stronger means to not give up and cry like a whiney toddler. You get stronger by training, BakaMoyashi."

"My name isn't BakaMoyashi," he pronounces the foreign word with slight difficulty but manages to stagger over it. "It's _Allen_."

"Whatever."

"So..."

"What?"

"What's your name?"

** xxx**

He later finds out, that man is named 'Kanda' and _just _Kanda.

**XXX**

"Hey, Mana.

"Do you know what?" There's a slight smile on his face. "I think I'm actually _happy _now. Unimaginable, isn't it? It's him. It's Kanda that's doing this. He's helping me become stronger, and truth be told, he's part of my strength. Without him, I feel like I'd be lost again. But he's here, and he's like a... he's like a _rock_, for lack of better words. He's grounded- rough and gentle, crude but elegant, powerful yet vulnerable, all at the same time.

"Mana... I... Mana, I think I _love _him."

**XXX**

"Oi, BakaMoyashi! Where the fuck do I put these boxes?" He almost smiles at the irritated voice that still manages to sound gentle. Kanda is full of contradictions, as was he.

He doesn't turn to look at the male as he arranges the books on the the bookshelf. The whole place smells new- but it's warm and still, and it smells oddly like _home. _He never wants to leave this place, not when Kanda was here. The walls were still plain white, and the furniture weren't in place yet (one of which, was his beloved white, grand piano) but with some work, he was sure the whole place would be like a home he never had; Pictures of him smiling, and Kanda scowling would soon cover those currently empty walls.

"Moyashi, what's this?"

"What is it now, Bakan-" He says this as he turns his head around, finally, and then he freezes in shock- or was it horror? He didn't know. It was all a jumble inside this messed up mind of his.

"Well?" Kanda lifts a packet filled with dozens of white pills, and all over the floor, many others are scattered. He couldn't see the inside of the box, but he knew there were more there, with various packets of a white powder and right at the bottom, clear vials and needles. He doesn't know how to explain- he just can't.

"I-I-" He feels tears well in his eyes- his hands are shaking, and his words are running together. Nothing makes sense. He wanted to keep this a secret, he wanted to keep his... his _habits _a secret. But now everything was out. He knows Kanda isn't stupid enough to believe a simple, 'nothing'. He knows Kanda knows what those pills (and the powder, and the vials) were.

_Kanda is going to leave._

_Kanda is going to hate you._

_Kanda will think you're a **freak**._

"I- _I'm sorry._" The tears are falling over and he's out the door before he knows it, his steps are awkward and staggering but he only has one clear destination in mind- the loud "Oi, Moyashi!" that comes from behind him and the pursuing footsteps only make his go faster. Faster than he ever did before.

_I'm coming Mana. Mana, Mana, Mana- help me._

And then-

_It's all over._

**XXX**

It's closing in on midnight now.

The heavy footsteps he takes (somehow, he no longer hears chasing footsteps behind him) echo too loudly in the still and silent night. The sky is stormy, as if it were going to rain- but then again, it was winter now. _Snow..._ he mused; _I never liked snow. _

_Hey, Mana. Do you know why? _

It's too cold, right now. The chilly fingers wrap themselves against trembling fingers gone red with the low temperature. He didn't even have time to grab his coat when he rushed out of the apartment- in haste, one forgets everything. He feels hysterical bubbles tickling his throat, demanding their way out; he supresses them just before they can reach his lips. Why is it that things like these always happen to him?

_Hey, Mana. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of the cold, I'm sick of living this cursed life in fear, I'm sick of the past- whenever I see the snow, I'm reminded of the times when you would lose your mind in your grief. I'm sick of feeling scared, Mana. I'm sick of only being a replacement for your dead brother. Snow reminds me of all these- and it reminds me... of how useless this life is. _

_Whenever you would think about _your _past, you would go crazy, Mana. I don't want to admit it, but you scared me, back then, when you suddenly grabbed my head, turned on the tap and shoved my head underwater; it was cold, just like it is now. I can't breathe, just like I couldn't then. And my lungs feel heavy, as if I'm suffocating, all over again. My ribs feel like their collapsing- it feels as if the sharp counter edge is cutting into my flesh once more and I'm **scared **Mana. _

_I was so scared. I had to take them, so I wouldn't go crazy. Just like how you had to make me suffer, so that you could keep sane. _

_My pain was your drug._

For the first time, Allen pushes the wrought iron gate open, and steps onto the cobbled stone pathway.

_...Hey, Mana. Won't you free me? _

**XXX**

Kanda was confused.

Usually, Kanda would never have admitted to such feelings, let alone the churning he feels in the pit of his stomach, as if something _bad _was going to happen... Kanda Yuu just doesn't worry about someone like that; but Allen wasn't just "someone". He was _somebody. _Somebody extremely special to Kanda, even though Kanda would never say it out loud.

Allen knows Kanda better than anyone else could. And Kanda knew Allen just as well: his quirks, his diet, his tendencies... just not this. _This. _

And now the Moyashi's gone.

But Kanda knows where to find the fucking idiot.

**XXX**

"Moyashi!"

Kanda thought he was prepared to see anything. He had expected tears, and red eyes, and watery noses. He's expected many things. But not this; when Allen could barely be seen under a dusting of pure, white snow (it had started snowing a while ago, you see), silver eyes dull. Blank. As if the idiot had already given up. But if he looked, _just so, _he would see the frail frame trembling with cold and perhaps, something Kanda may never understand, but would try to.

"Moyashi..."

He repeats the nickname he had for Allen; though gentler, softer this time round, as if Allen would break into a million pieces if he were too rough. With soft footsteps, he nears the body that lies at the foot of tombstone. "_MANA WALKER_" was etched roughly onto the plain face of the slab of stone.

His eyes tighten just the slightest.

"_Hey, Mana... I... ..._"

His steps slow. Then stop.

"_...I... hate you... ...so much... you know that?..._"

And it's those words that push him on. It takes another few quick strides to reach Moyashi's- _his _Moyashi's side and a few seconds later, Allen was in his arms, trembling and feeling too much like a block of ice for comfort. Kanda prays that his body heat will suffice as he picks up the barely 20 year-old boy and brings him back to their apartment- their home.

_Their _home.

**XXX**

"Hey, Mana.

"It's been a while since I came to visit you, hasn't it? It's almost summer now- but you must understand, I needed some time to think through things. And I guess that was just what I needed- because Mana, I've been lost all this while, even though I thought I was finding myself again by talking to someone who already doesn't exist. Someone who died, long, long ago. Living in the past just made me suffer more.

So I'm going to stop, Mana." He took a deep breath, and squeezes the warm hand in his grasp and looks up to stare into dark navy orbs filled with irritation, frustration, _love- _He no longer needs Mana. He has everything he needs (and everything he could ever want) by his side.

"I'm finally free, Mana."

_fin._

**So, I do hope everyone enjoyed that. It was... longer than my usual works. And it's actually 1.04 here, from where I come from. I'm tired. And there's school tomorrow. I should go sleep soon. But please, do drop a review if there is any mistakes in this piece of work. It's actually like an experimentation of sorts, with a different writing style. I'm mainly using dialougue to convey Allen's feelings, you see. And it's pretty heavy on the angst.**

**But... uh, yay for Kanda...? He saved Allen =) Kanda is Allen's drug!**

**But as for those who didn't quite understand, it goes like this: Mana used to abuse Allen so he wouldn't go crazy over his brother, Neah's, death. In a way, it was like a drug. And to counteract the pain of his suffering, Allen turned to drugs to allievate the depression he was going through at being abused. **

**In present time, Allen gets a job at the cafe where Komui is (obviously), the boss. He meets Kanda there, when Kanda goes to the cafe as a customer with Lavi. One day, as Allen is talking to Mana, Kanda walks by, and sees him. It isn't mentioned, but somewhere along the way, they got together, and Allen realizes the he loves Kanda, and they later decide to move in together. However, Kanda sees the drugs Allen takes and Allen freaks out, then runs away to Mana's grave.**

**Kanda finds Allen, and brings him home. Again, it is not mentioned, but they do have a talk (I might consider posting the "talk" up as a separate one-shot, if anyone wants it) and they sort everything out. At the end, Allen visits Mana's grave with Kanda and he tells Mana that he will no longer be trapped in the past.**

**The end.**

**M4I.**

**P.S. A sequel might come out sooner or later, depending on how much inspiration I get... so do look out for that too =)**


End file.
